


Lessons from Hallyu Stars

by erza155



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Actor AU, Attempt at Humor, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 15:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5295788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erza155/pseuds/erza155
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chanyeol is an idiot</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lessons from Hallyu Stars

**Author's Note:**

> I finished. This is my longest fic to date. :) while writing this fic, I had so many experiences that I think if someone were to write a book about my life, this fanfiction would take up like 3 chapters.

**Prompt #:** 135  
 **Title:** Lessons from Hallyu Stars  
 **Side Characters/Pairings:** Baekyun, Yixing, Tao, Luhan, Suho  
 **Rating:** PG-13 for few curse words  
 **Word count:** 7k  
 **Warnings:** \--  
 **Summary:** Chanyeol is an idiot  
 **Notes:** I finished. This is my longest fic to date. :) while writing this fic, I had so many experiences that I think if someone were to write a book about my life, this fanfiction would take up like 3 chapters.

 

 

 

**Alternatively subtitled: The General Degradation of Heterosexuality**

**Lesson #1 Social media is your best friend and your worst enemy.**

Park Chanyeol, famed Hallyu star, golden child of Asia, and internationally renowned movie star, is a complete, and utter idiot. His idiocy ruins his life on an unassuming day of his 23rd year of life.

Before going any further, one should probably be aware of the history between Kris and Chanyeol. They meet when Chanyeol is 19 and Kris is 21. Chanyeol has just debuted as an actor and is working on his third movie with Kris Wu. Chanyeol, like anyone else who has born witness to it, finds himself entranced by Kris’s acting. Even though they are from rival agencies and play rivals in the movie, Kris takes Chanyeol under his wing, and by the end of the movie Chanyeol is comfortable enough to call Kris “Hyung” and they are fast friends. The rest, as they say, is history. Kris and Chanyeol’s relationship is an oddity, and the source of the media and fan’s speculations but nothing is ever concrete. Until, of course, Chanyeol’s idiocy ruins his life.

Chanyeol and Kris had just ended filming for the day for their new drama “Cold Bodies, Warm Hearts.” which had a higher than 20% audience viewing, was critically acclaimed, and already being nominated for various awards, and were heading over to Kris’s apartment which had become sort of a routine any time they ended up filming together. It happened so often that they actually had their designated drawers inside each other’s home (which they both tried not to think too hard about). After showering and borrowing underwear from Kris, they settled in for a short game.

“I am so going to kick your ass, Yifan!” Chanyeol crowed.

“Fuck you,” Kris replied succinctly, “Princess peach is the motherfucking bomb.”

They play Mario Kart with various insults thrown around and heckling. At one point after catching Chanyeol using cheat codes, Kris puts him in a headlock as he imparts a very long lesson on “Cheaters never win, Chanyeol. How do you think your mother would feel about this? She’d be disappointed. Chanyeol, as your hyung, I am disappointed. I can’t believe you would do something like this. I thought you were so much better than this.”

Chanyeol smacks his hands against the floor, trying to escape Kris’s hold. “I give! I give! I give! Hyung, I’m sorry. I won’t ever do it again.”

“Liar. You said the same thing last week and look where we are now. But because Hyung is benevolent, he will show you mercy today.”

Kris lets go of Chanyeol and starts laughing. “Hyung is so mean!” Chanyeol pouts, “You’re definitely buying me sweet and sour chicken for this!”

Kris shrugs. “It was your fault in the first place. And besides, aren’t you scared of what your devil of a manager will do to you?”

Chanyeol flashes him a mega watt smile. “Nah, Baekhyun's bark is worse than his bite.”

“Okay, just remember this next time you call me to complain about your manager being the devil and starving you. You want me to order from The Palace, right?”

Chanyeol nods absentmindedly while starting up another game. Yifan smiles at the sight. He can’t believe Chanyeol is such a kid.

**Addendum: It literally takes less than 5 minutes to ruin your life with a single picture and a forgotten word**

         After eating Chinese food which Kris grumbles pretentiously about (“It’s not even Chinese. What the fuck Chanyeol. This was invented in America”) until Chanyeol throws a spring roll at him, they decide to relax in Kris’s bed and check out SNS for fun updates that they can make fun of other people’s lives. Kris is wrapped comfortably around Chanyeol with his arms wrapped around Chanyeol’s waist and his head resting on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

         “Hey, Yifan, wanna have a scandal?”

         “Hell no. Our managers would kill us.”

         “Come on it’ll be fun.”

         “You’re an idiot. What do you wanna do?”

“I’ll just post a picture of us together. You know it’ll make the fans go crazy and it would be good promotion for the drama.”

“Fine do what you want.”

Yifan hears the clicking noise of a camera shutter but doesn’t pay it any mind. He’s content to lie against Chanyeol’s side, but all of a sudden his phone starts blaring up with notifications. He unwillingly gets out of bed to get his phone, and sees an influx of messages.

“Chanyeol, which picture of us did you post?”

“The one I just took right now.”

Yifan gets a sinking feeling. “Let me see your phone.”

“Okay.” Chanyeol acquiesces easily.

“Did you add anything else?”

“Yeah, I put in #100th gaming night together.”

Yifan believes him for about two tenths of a second.

“Wait. Chanyeol. You forgot the word gaming.”

“What?! Shit. Fuck. No. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” Chanyeol rushed to delete the picture but it was too late. It already had 300 reposts.

“Yifan? We’re so screwed aren’t we?”

Yifan laughs hysterically. “Well, this is definitely a scandal. We’re going to be topping the Naver charts in less than 24 hours.”

Yifan takes battery out of Chanyeol’s phone and does the same thing to his.

“Hyung, why did you do that?”

“Our managers are going to kill us, and I don’t want to make it easier for them.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widen in realization before he jumps off the bed. “Lock all the doors and windows.”

“Why?”

“Hyung, just do as I say. Baekhyun is really, really scary, and he’s able to break into anywhere.”

They run around Kris’s apartment locking any point of entrance. Finally, they get back to the bedroom.

“You wanna hide under the covers?” Chanyeol offers.

“You know it’s not going to make any difference right?”

“It’ll make me feel better.”

“All right. It’s not like we’ve got anything to lose.”

**Lesson #2 Talent managers are really scary and not to be fucked with**

         Zhang Yixing was a man of many talents. People could extol a list of his virtues without prompting. But Yixing’s greatest skill to date, as cited by his CEO, would be his affinity for public relations. Yixing was a master at public relations. he had saved many careers from ruin with just a simple spun tale. It should be mentioned that Yixing has worked with many people who have fucked up multiple times. But he considers them all child’s play when trying to upkeep a certain Kris Wu’s image. Yixing does not hate Kris. Hate’s actually quite far from how Yixing feels about Kris; Yixing is fascinated by Kris. Quite a bit like people are fascinated by aliens and government secrets.

         He still remembers the day Lu Han ( _that fucking rat bastard! Yixing was going to fucking_ **kill** _him in the slowest, most imaginative way possible_ ) introduced him to Kris.

         “This is Yifan. We just signed a 10 year contract with him because he looks good, and his acting skills were good enough for Zhou Mi.”

         The kid surprised Yixing. Zhou Mi was a pissy bitch. No one was ever good enough for Zhou Mi. But if this kid made an impression on Zhou Mi, he was good enough for him.

         When Kris started out, he was cool to work with. He followed Yixing’s instructions, and kept his image impeccable. The only problem Yixing had with him was that he had a weakness towards cute things, which did not match his mysterious image and the fact that he kept ordering snacks by the box load from Canada.

         Yixing didn’t start feeling antagonism towards Kris until Chanyeol happened, and even then it wasn’t Kris he was mad at. Kris was a good kid, and Yixing knew that. It was that bad influence Park Chanyeol he was mad at.

         Yixing kinda secretly maybe hates Chanyeol. Just a little bit.

         Before him, Kris had no scandals, or any discrepancies. He only showed up in magazines, TV, and any other news source because people were praising him. And the only people who truly cared about his personal life were the saesangs, who everyone knew were crazy, so no one really cared about what they said anyway. No harm, no foul.

But the Park freaking Chanyeol happened. The kid always made him uneasy. If he had to pick the thing that pissed him off the most about Chanyeol it would have to be his laugh. The way he laughs with every centimeter of his body, and puts those creepy teeth of his on full display. Yixing firmly believes that nobody with that good dental hygiene should be trusted. He would know, he had looked into it. And when he found out that those things were 100% natural, and the kid never had any work done on them, his horror had been unprecedented and he kept a closer watch on the kid from that day on.

Ever since he got close to that kid, Kris has so many near scandals that Yixing is starting to seriously reconsider taking this job. If anyone had any idea at how many articles he had stopped from getting published about Kris and Chanyeol’s unnatural closeness, and, or Big Gay Love (yes with freaking capital letters. Honestly, journalism is dead.), they would build him a pedestal.

So, this is why Yixing thinks no one should blame him when he actually goes off the deep end and finally kills Park God Damn Him Chanyeol. With just one picture he had managed to ruin Yixing’s years of hard work. And as if the picture wasn’t bad enough, there was that fucking hashtag. It was like the kid mad the entire post just to give Yixing a coronary. #100th_night_together. Which was more like, #final_night_on_this_earth.

Byun Baekhyun considered himself a saint. There were many people who would vehemently disagree with him, but Baekhyun pays them no mind because they have no idea what kind of bowling balls life has been throwing at him.

The first bowling ball life had threw at him was called Park Chanyeol. Baekhyun remembers being five and playing in the sandbox at school. He had been perfunctorily building a sand castle to pass the time until teacher told them it was naptime. He had been a relatively quiet child and had been the only one playing in the sandbox. So, imagine to his surprise when some random gap toothed kid ran into the sandbox and crushed half of his sand castle. Instead of apologizing the kid had introduced himself with a “HI! MY NAME IS PARK CHANYEOL. WE’RE GONNA BE BEST FRIENDS!” Back then Baekhyun had been too surprised to answer, so the kid took his shocked silence as agreement. (But Baekhyun knows better now. He knows so much better than to let surprise overwhelm him and let Chanyeol bulldoze his life, and efforts into the ground.)

Consequently, life continued to throw Park Chanyeol bowling balls at him, which he titled: Park Chanyeol 1, Park Chanyeol 2, Park Chanyeol 3, so on and so forth. Baekhyun’s childhood was chaotic, but he made do.

Baekhyun looks fondly back upon those years now. It was so much easier to get out of trouble back then. You just had to flash puppy eyes and look sorry, which was easy enough for him to do. And he hadn’t had subsections for the Park Chanyeol bowling balls life was throwing at him.

The first Park Chanyeol bowling ball subsection was created during their first year of junior high. Baekhyun titled the subsection Romance. While he wasn’t looking, Chanyeol had gone and gotten a crush on some random girl whose name Baekhyun can’t even remember now. Through some fluke Chanyeol had discovered that the girl liked guys who played guitar. And thus started the subsection titled Music, which at the time Baekhyun didn’t know a simple thing like music would lead him to commit acts that would end up with him in a small holding cell.

Chanyeol, in his infinite wisdom had decided to start taking guitar lessons, and had somehow coerced Baekhyun into taking vocal lessons because “Baekhyunnie you have a great voice. Please, Please, Please help me with this one thing.” So, Baekhyun as seemed on par with his life went along with Chanyeol’s stupid idea.

It turns out Chanyeol had an undiscovered musical affinity, so along with the guitar, he also picked up a multitude of instruments, which include but are not limited to the piano, and the drum. Baekhyun honestly didn’t care. All that mattered to him was that while Chanyeol was playing his instruments, he wasn’t getting into trouble.

But perhaps he should have been paying more attention because three months later Chanyeol took that goddamn guitar of his and confessed his love in a serenade in front of the whole school. Baekhyun was almost lightheaded from second hand embarrassment.

As far as teenage love stories go, they had a good one. They dated for three months, during which Chanyeol freaked out about every decision he had to make regarding her, and vocalized all his worries to Baekhyun, who could not possibly have cared less. And they broke up when she had to move to Jeju-do.

After their breakup Chanyeol went into this weird funk where he would mainly hide out in his room and mope. Once again, like the dumbass he was (but has henceforth ceased to be), Baekhyun wasn’t too worried. Which was why when Chanyeol discovered rap music, Baekhyun wasn’t there to put a stop to it immediately.

Chanyeol’s love for rap music was more dangerous than his stupid teenage crush because it involved both of them sneaking out of their house late at night, when they should have been doing homework, to head to seedy clubs for shitty rap battles. Both of their grades and sleep schedules suffered. And there was that fabulous time where the club got busted up by cops and Baekhyun had to call his mom at 3:00 am to ask her to post bail. Baekhyun still cries when he thinks about the ass whooping his mom gave him that night.

Fortunately, the rap phase ended during halfway through their first year of high school when Chanyeol discovered acting during their second year of high school. It was the only thing that Chanyeol took up that didn’t necessarily end in trouble, so Baekhyun supported Chanyeol wholeheartedly. And when he saw how serious Chanyeol was about acting, he helped the kid become a trainee in EXO entertainment. Baekhyun went to school got a degree in public relations as Chanyeol quickly climbed through the ranks, and by the time Chanyeol was ready to debut, the CEO had hired him as Chanyeol’s manager. Baekhyun maintains that the only reason Suho hired him so easily is because he couldn’t find anyone else that could control Chanyeol as well as Baekhyun could.

When Chanyeol met Kris Wu, Baekhyun was hopeful. Everyone knew that Kris was the quintessential Hallyu star. He was talented and kept his nose clean. Baekhyun, in vain, hoped that some of his air of calmness and responsibility would influence Chanyeol, and make him less of a hassle to deal with, but it was the opposite. Chanyeol infected Kris like a virus, and Baekhyun was Screwed with a capital S because he was fighting a battle on two fronts. The first front consisted of him blackmailing multiple news officials to keep them from publishing trashy articles about the secret romance between Kris and Chanyeol. And the second front, which Baekhyun is like 87.9% sure is what will kill him, is his constant battle for Chanyeol’s life with Zhang Yixing.

To be honest, Baekhyun can understand where the guy is coming from. Chanyeol just came in out of nowhere and destroyed the carefully crafted image Yixing had created for Kris. Although Baekhyun completely understands Yixing’s motives, it does not mean that he agrees with him. Baekhyun has worked too hard to let someone kill off his troublesome golden goose. He is too smart to be fooled by Yixing’s ways. Other people might be fooled by his lazy smiles and sloth like mannerisms, but Baekhyun can see the cheetah spots on that crafty bastard who is waiting to pounce on his poor giraffe.

It should be mentioned at this point that Baekhyun might be just a little bit neurotic after having to deal with Chanyeol for so many years, and not having a stress release method besides blackmailing people, and ruining their lives.

         So, as you can see Baekhyun has lived a chaotic life and it’s all because of one idiot named Park Chanyeol.

         At this point, Baekhyun has accepted Chanyeol’s stupidity as the status quo, but as he stares down at the picture on his phone of Kris and Chanyeol. Together. In a bed. He wonders if he can get Chanyeol out this situation alive this time. After staring at the picture for ten more seconds, he’s 98.7% sure that there is no salvation for Chanyeol this time. Yixing was going to kill him, chop him up into tiny pieces, dump him in the Han River, and there would be nothing Baekhyun could do about it.

**Addendum: Talent managers may commit illegal acts and do things that aren’t strictly ethical in the name of keeping their talents from doing stupid shit**

         Yixing ends up speeding through the late Seoul night streets, thankfully not hitting any pedestrians, towards Kris’ apartment. He has a murder to commit, and nothing would distract him. He couldn’t believe it. All of his hard work, gone. Flushed down the drain because of that goddamn idiot Park Chanyeol. And Kris. He thought Kris was innocent, but now Yixing knew the truth. Kris was just as guilty as that PARK Chanyeol, if not more so. Straight?! Yeah right. Those idiots were about as gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Fuckers. He can’t believe he ever listened to Kris’ lies.

         **Three Months Ago**

         _“Do you see this?!” Yixing screeches as he throws a magazine at Kris’ face._

_“Um…” Kris, the complete, utter, and bumbling idiot has the audacity to look confused. “It’s a magazine?”_

_Yixing, for one brief moment considers killing him, but then he remembers that Luhan is actually the devil, and if he kills Kris after all the conditioning Luhan has put him through, Luhan will torture him and sell his body parts on the black market, so he settles for picking up the magazine from where it landed and shoving it at Kris’ face._

_“Yes, you goddamn idiot. It’s a fucking magazine. Congratulations. You can state the obvious. Now do me a favor and read the main title.”_

_“A new couple?”_

_“That’s right. And do you know what it’s talking about? Oh yeah. That’s right. It’s a picture of you and that demon Park Chanyeol on one of your ‘dates’. What do you have to say for yourself?”_

_“Why does everyone always assume we’re dating? Chanyeol and I just like hanging out with each other.”_

_“Kris, as your manager, it’s my job to keep your public image spotless. I do all i can to help you, but you gotta help me too, man.”_

_“What do you mean by that?”_

_“Look, it’s okay if you’re gay. Just tell me so I can do damage control. I would be okay with it.”_

_“Yixing. It’s fine. Chanyeol and I aren’t gay. We’re just two guys who like hanging out together platonically.”_

_“If you say so. Just remember that I’m here to help you.”_

      

         After the most horrible driving he has ever done through Seoul, and the shittiest parking job ever done in his life Yixing has arrived at Kris’ apartment complex. He takes the stairs two at a time because the elevator would be too slow. He unlocks the door with the copy of a key that Kris had given him. He scours the apartment for any sign of Kris and Chanyeol but finds none. Except the bedroom door is closed. Yixing narrows his eyes. Kris never closes his bedroom door. He has some irrational fear that something will come out from under his bed or inside his closet in the middle of the night and kill him. Yixing has always found it funny that such a grown man has such irrational fears, but at the moment Yixing is not in a laughing mood. He heads towards the bedroom with precise steps. He tries to open the door, but it is locked.

         He shakes the doorknob violently. “Open this fucking door right now, or i will kill you.”

         “If we open the door, will you promise not to kill us?” The idiot Park Chanyeol asks.

         “No.” Yixing snarls.

         “Well that’s certainly not giving the right motivation to open the door now, is it?” Yixing hears behind him. He whirls and there stands the demon’s manager. Byun Baekhyun. Yixing has always been a tiny little bit afraid of him, because anyone who could keep the demon in line was someone to be wary about.

“How did you get in? I know I locked the door.”

The demon’s manager shrugs. “I picked the lock.”

Yixing’s eyes narrow even further until they’re mere slits on his face. “How did you know they were here?”

The demon manager shrugs. “I have a GPS tracker on Chanyeol’s phone and in his clothes. Now, do you want me to open the door or not?”

Yixing steps back and lets the demon tamer do his work.

         When the door opens, Yixing can literally feel his blood pressure rising. The demon tamer whistled a low and drawn out sound. Kris and Chanyeol are lying together in the bed, tied up together, in nothing but their underwear.

“Wow. You guys are really fucking dumb, aren’t you?” The demon tamer (Yixing should probably start referring to him by his family name, but eh.) makes an aborted hand movement. “Wait, don’t answer that. I already know the answer.” He turns around and points at Yixing. “You. Scary manager hyung. You look like you’re about to commit murder. Please don’t. Blood is really hard to get out of clothes. Trust me, I would know.”

 _“Why does your manager know_ _to get blood out of clothes?” Kris hisses furiously to Chanyeol._

_“Shut up.” Chanyeol hisses back. “Do you want it to be your blood they’re getting out of clothes?”_

_Yifan’s jaw snaps close with an audible ‘click’._

Yixing, with great effort, ignores that last statement from the demon ta- Byun and instead focuses on calming himself down. He takes several deep breaths until he feels almost light headed.

“Better?” The de- Byun asks. Yixing does not answer him. “Ok, then. I’m gonna assume that you’re better. You should probably call your CEO. We should decide what to do about this. I already called mine on the way here. And in the meanwhile you two should probably get dressed. Scratch that. Put on some clothes. Now. I refuse to talk to you until you’re wearing clothes. And Chanyeol. You’re screwed. I just want to make that absolutely crystal clear.”

Yixing sighs and dials Luhan’s number. He is not looking forward to this conversation.

**Lesson #3 Publicists and CEOs have the power to ruin lives with a single decision**

         Byun and Park’s CEO, Suho manages to arrive on the scene first. This man reluctantly amazes Yixing. Everyone in the entertainment industry knew about Suho. How he had become estranged from his parents and how he took a bottom feeder entertainment agency and turned it into a multimillion-dollar enterprise. How he only takes the most unexpected charges on.

         In Korea, to become a star, there is a certain uniform look that all potential starlets have to have and a minimum height requirement. Suho took one look at those and said fuck it. His idols were varied in looks as well as personality. Yixing would never admit this even with the threat of death hanging over his head but he may have the tiniest of crushes on Suho. For a measurement of how tiny Yixing’s crush was, one need only look at the Pacific Ocean, the largest ocean in the world, to see how very tiny it was.

         Subsequently, when Luhan arrived at Kris’ apartment and witnessed Yixing hardcore low key crushing on Suho, he proceeded to make fun of Yixing with his eyebrows. Needless to say as stressed as he was, Yixing was not in the mood for Luhan’s shit.

         “Luhan, you shut the fuck up right now, or I will tell Tao what actually happened to his Gucci bag.”

         Everyone in the room, Suho, Baekhyun, Kris and Chanyeol (who had finally gotten out of the bed and had put clothes on), stared at Yixing.

         Luhan, wisely, kept his mouth shut about Yixing’s relatively tiny crush. He turned towards Kris.

          “So, I heard you fucked up and are in the middle of ruining your career?” Luhan questioned. Luhan had developed a torture method which basically consisted of stating facts in the darkest, least positive light as questions and watching the person scramble to answer the question and make it sound like the situation was not bad while failing. Hard.

         Unfortunately, his method wasn’t working on Kris because Kris was too busy being terrified of Yixing. Luhan sighed and snapped his fingers.

         “Yixing. Stop terrifying Kris. He’s already useless enough as it is.”

         It was at this point that Suho decided to speak. “Maybe we should all calm down.” He walked over to Luhan and bowed. “I’m the CEO of EXO entertainment, Suho. It’s a pleasure to meet you Luhan hyung.” He rose. “Now seeing as it was my talent’s media account that this whole situation arose from, I’ll be taking responsibility. If there’s anything you require--”

         As Suho was about to finish his very polite, and very apologetic statement (maybe you should take a lesson from him instead of acting like an angry pterodactyl, Luhan will later suggest to Yixing. Yixing will smack him across the back of the head because Luhan is the Goddamned bane of his existence), Tao barges into the apartment.

         “Ge! What the fuck?! You left my goddamn car in the middle of the fucking street with the door open. And me in it!”

         Luhan smirks. “This is our PR representative Huang Zitao. I bought him with me to help us figure out how to handle this situation.”

         Suho looks surprised, but doesn’t say what he’s thinking (which is something along the lines of you have a potty mouthed Triad member as your PR rep!). “Ok.” He says, “I’ve already called our PR rep, Kyungsoo. He should be here in a short while.”

         “Hyung! You called Kyungsoo! He’s gonna kill me. Oh my god. ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod. I’m gonna fucking die! Fuck. Yifan, if you make it out of this alive, please tell my mother I love her. Baekhyun, I was the one who ate that last mandu on our camping trip. Scary Manager Hyung, I think you’re a serial killer and you’re planning on killing me. But you won’t get the chance now because Kyungsoo is going to kill me. Suho-hyung, Chen wasn’t the one who broke that Greek statue. It was Baekhyun. If I confess all of my sins in the next five minutes, I won’t go to hell right? RIGHT?!”

         Baekhyun swiftly places a karate chop to Chanyeol’s spine. “Shut up. You’re going to hell no matter what. And Suho-hyung. Don’t listen to this crazy punk. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Chen obviously broke the Greek statue.” Baekhyun is slowly edging from away from Suho as he speaks.

         “You think I’m a serial killer? YOU?! You’re the one who looks like a serial killer. Have you seen your teeth and the way your left eye twitches? If anyone’s a serial killer it would be either you or Luhan.” Yixing exclaims.

         “What do my teeth have anything to do with being a serial killer?!”

         “As much as I hate to admit it,” Luhan begins, “Yixing is right. No one with dental hygiene as good as yours can be considered normal or safe.”

         “Yifan,” Chanyeol began magnanimously, “I now understand where your crazy comes from. If you had to deal with these people for as long as you’ve been in the industry, it’s totally understandable how crazy you are.”

         “What the hell are you saying, you demonic serial killer?” Yixing growled.

         “That Yifan is a saint for putting up with you insane sons of bitches.”

         “Why you--” Yixing began, but was interrupted.

         “Please,” Suho said calmly, “we all need to calm down. This is a very serious issue that is going to need our full cooperation if we are going to make it work.”

         “I don’t know” Luhan mused, “This has the potential to be really hilarious.”

         “It also has the potential to end in murder.” Suho pointed out.

         “Point.” Luhan conceded. “When did you say your pr rep would get here again?”

         “He should be here shortly. Last time we talked, he said he was about 10 minutes off of here.”

         “Okay then! Let’s just sit peacefully and wait for him. Yixing, you’re sitting next to me. I don’t trust you not to do something drastic.”

         “Out of the two of us, I’m not the one who tortures people for fun.” Yixing mumbled under his breath.

         Luhan rolled his eyes. “I didn’t ask for your opinion, Xing. Just come and sit. Kris, go make some tea. Enough for everyone in here, and the plus one that’ll be coming later on.”

                                 **Time skip: A Short While After Kyungsoo Has Arrived**

         “So, how are we going to spin this?” Suho asked.

“Fake relationship.” Kyungsoo stated. Everyone stared at him. “It’s the only way.” He elaborated. “There’s no viable reason for 2 straight dudes to be in a bed and cuddling each other half naked.”

Tao hummed. “He’s right. It’s the least damaging route we can take, which would also seem semi-plausible.”

“Okay, so why haven’t they told anyone they’re dating?” Luhan asked. “That’s going to be the most asked question.”

“I can spin some bullshit story about rival agencies and how they were afraid of how people would respond.” Tao offered.

“That should be the official release statement released on SNS from both companies. And I say both, because we’re supposed to be supportive of our stars and whatnot and it’ll definitely benefit us if we put up a united front.” Kyungsoo started. “But we’re going to need something more to tide the fans over. Any ideas?”

They sat in silence for a while, until Suho spoke. “An exclusive interview with a specific magazine. With an accompanying photo shoot.”

“That’ll work.” Tao agreed, “But which magazine would you choose?”

“Buddy magazine,” Luhan suggested, “They’re the least biased, have a good reputation, and they won’t deny us because our interview would help boost their sales.”

“Okay. That’s good enough for us to work with for now.” Kyungsoo said. “All we have to do is create a back-story and a solid timeline, and check in with each other every in a--what the actual fuck do you want Chanyeol?” He snapped.

“Um… Don’t Yifan and I get a say in this?”

“Considering you got yourselves into this mess?” Kyungsoo stated. “No, I don’t think so. Now sit down and shut up.”

**Lesson #4 The public will almost always fuck you over any time it suits them**

**_Interview with Kris Wu and Park Chanyeol_ **

**Interviewer** : so, let’s get right into it. a couple days ago you guys released the famous picture on Instagram. Have you guys really been dating for 100 days?

 **Kris** : Yeah. It seems longer because I’ve known Chanyeol for so long, but yeah. It’s been about 3 months

 **Interviewer** : who made the first move?

 **Chanyeol:** I did. It was totally an accident though, but I didn’t want to back down opportunities missed and all that.

 **I:** how did you make the first move?

 **C:** It was so cheesy. I actually wrote the song ‘outside your window’ about him and he was the first one I sung the song to. And when he asked me who it was about, I was just going to lie and tell about him some random high school crush but I just blurted out ‘you’ and then things spun from there.

 **I** : Oh my. How cute! Where was your first date?

 **K** : Our first date was so awkward. I remember trying so hard to impress Chanyeol and I ended up acting so greasy.

 **C:** I remember that. We went to the movies and at first I tried to impress him, but then he started dropping cheesy compliments and I stopped being nervous once I realized he was just as worried as I was.

 **K:** It got really fun when we both stopped being awkward with each other. After the movie we went to the arcades and he kept making me play games to win him prizes.

 **C:** It was only fair. i paid for the movie tickets and snacks.

 **I:** So what are your usual dates like then?

 **C:** We mainly just stay at home and watch movies and play video games.

 **K:** We just enjoy each other’s company without an complications.

 **I:** How cute. What’s your favorite thing about each other?

 **K:** His smile. It’s very endearing, and I can’t help but smile whenever I see it. It’s really hard to be sad when Chanyeol is smiling.

 **C:** His confidence. Hyung is so confident sometimes I have to smack him to remind him that he is human. Like with his art. Any interview he does he always says that he is the next Picasso, but I think that by now everyone knows that it’s a gross exaggeration.

 **K:** You’re a terrible boyfriend. You’re supposed to praise my drawing skills.

 **C:** I would if you had any.

 **I:** Do you guys have nicknames for each other?

 **K:** I call him Yeollie sometimes

 **C:** And I call him FanFan sometimes

 **K:** It’s usually when we’re making fun of each other though

 **I:** So, as we can see from the picture you guys do cuddle. The fans are curious, who’s the big spoon usually when you cuddle?

 **C:** Kris is. It’s more proportionate that way.

 **K:** It’s mainly to keep him from flailing

 **I:** What’s your most treasured memory with each other?

 **C:** I don’t know about him, but for me when we first met was my most treasured memory. It was our first film together and since I had just debuted, I was really worried about my acting skills in comparison to his, but when he found me freaking out in a corner he just sat there with me and helped me calm down. I think that’s when I developed a crush on him.

 **K:** For me, it was also the first time we met. I remember being impressed by his height. I know it seems weird coming from someone as tall as me, but he was one of the few people that was at eye level with me. And I could see this kid that was as tall as me, clearly freaking out and something about him made me want to help him. And I did. It was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen.

 **I:** Oh my. What a touching story. Now for the million-dollar question, did you guys really mean to come out by way of Instagram picture?

 **K:** Actually, no. We never had a concrete plan about how we were going to come out.

 **C:** The Instagram picture was an accident, but rather than hide, we chose to come out and own up to it.

 **K:** We didn’t really know how to come out considering we were technically from rivaling agencies, and most people would’ve been shocked by our relationship and not exactly supportive. But our CEOs proved us wrong. Not only were they fine with it, they still treated us the same, which we are really grateful for.

 **I:** All righty then! Our final question of the day; what advice would you give to other couples like yourselves?

 **C:** Keep fighting. Love always wins.

 **K:** It’s never as bad as you imagine it to be. Don’t give up.

         Kris hands Chanyeol a water bottle. “We’re trending on every social media site. According to polls, we’re more popular than ever.”

         Chanyeol drops his face into his palms. “Fuck. I’m so sorry hyung. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t been so dumb--”

         “It’s no use thinking like that.” Kris interrupted him. “We should be grateful that this is the reaction, because if my value as an idol had decreased, my CEO would have skinned me alive and then let Zhou mi eat me.”

         “Hyung, isn’t Zhou mi your trainer from your pre debut days?”

         “Yep. And since I was his favorite student, he was much more inclined to kill me. You’re probably going to have meet him.”

         “What has our lives even come to. This is ridiculous.”

         “It could be worse.”

         “You’re right.” Chanyeol conceded. “What are the masses saying about our super secret relationship?”

         “Most of them are supportive of us. There’s a lot of I knew it(s) flying around. All in all, I think the most upsetting thing is how easy it is for people to believe that we’re gay.”

         After this particular conversation, things seemed to return to normal between Kris and Chanyeol, with the added exception of keeping up the illusion of their ‘relationship’. They went on countless ‘dates’ and shared each other’s personal space more than before, and there were a lot of kisses flying around, but as long as they didn’t talk it, EveRyThInG wAs FiNe.

**Lesson #5 Remember that lies have a way of getting complicated**

         So, it stands to reason that as soon as everything smoothes itself out, something else was meant get messed up.

         It should be noted that this time, it wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault. Well… not entirely Chanyeol’s fault. See, here’s the thing-- Chanyeol and Yifan spend about 14 hours or more of their everyday lives in the public eye. And those 14 hours or more are spent playing happy couple for everyone watching. The only time they got a break was when they went home, and that was taken from them 4 weeks into their ‘relationship’ because their CEOs and PR reps had decided that they were ready for the next step. Chanyeol and Yifan had tried to contest this on the basis that their ‘relationship’ was too short for such seriousness, but their CEOs had gleefully reminded them that they were friends for years before they ever entered their ‘relationship.’

         So, Yifan and Chanyeol are living together, and pretending to be a ‘couple’, and the lines of their friendship have become kind of blurred. What they mean is… they don’t mean to have a filthy, dirty, sinful make out on the floor of Yifan’s living room with the Mario theme playing in the background.

         “Chanyeol. Fuck. What the fuck are we doing?”

         “Yifan. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-- i didn’t think--”

         “No. That’s the problem, isn’t it? You don’t think.” Yifan spits out. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “Fuck. I can’t stay here.” with that he leaves Chanyeol sitting on the floor, and storms out of his apartment, stopping only to grab his coat.

         With shaky hands Chanyeol picks up his phone and dials Baekhyun. He picks up after the fourth ring.

         “What do you want Chanyeol? It’s too late for stupid shit.”

         Chanyeol laughs. It is a bitter sound that comes out sounding choked. “Baek. I need your help. I fucked up. I fucked up real bad.”

         “Where are you now?”

         “The apartment.”

         “Don’t move. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

Chanyeol hangs up the phone and shuts down the video game. He sits on the couch and waits for Baekhyun to arrive. Baekhyun finds him sitting on the sofa, staring at the wall.

         “Here,” he offers to Chanyeol, “Ben and Jerry’s peanut butter cup ice cream with whiskey.”

Baekhyun watches his best friend consume spoonfuls of cheap ice cream and chase it with cheap whiskey until Chanyeol is well on his way to drunk.

         “So, you want to talk about whatever made you like this?”

         “I kissed Yifan.”

         “I don’t know if you noticed, but you’ve been doing that for months. In public. With lots of people watching.”

         Chanyeol sighs, leans back into the sofa, and drapes his arms over his eyes. “We were playing Mario and Yifan looked really beautiful and I leaned over and kissed him, and it turned into a make out session that would make my 15 year old self proud. And then Yifan ran away.”

         “I’m not seeing the problem.”

         “Baekhyun.”

         “I’m serious. I’m actually surprised it took this long for something like this to happen.” Baekhyun sighed. “Okay, let’s look at this logically. You’ve had time to get used to your crush on Kris. You went through the sexuality crisis and came out better from it. Kris didn’t get that. He’s just having his big gay freak out. Don’t worry. He’ll come back. He kissed you back, didn’t he?”

         “That doesn’t mean anything. It might be a reflex.”

         “Bull shit.” Baekhyun snorted. “Just go to sleep or something. I’ll deal with this. Things will be fine.”

         “Thank you.” Chanyeol murmured, sleep already embracing him.

**THE BIG GAY FREAKOUT THAT WAS EASILY SOLVED BY ONE ZHANG YIXING BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR KRIS’S SHIT**

         Kris had run away to Yixing’s apartment. Yixing was not happy to see Kris at his apartment door and was actually contemplating closing the door on Kris’s face until the idiot blurted:

         “Chanyeol kissed me and I really liked it.”

Yixing was even more tempted to close the door on Kris’s stupid face but he recognized the symptoms of a BIG GAY FREAK OUT, and he knew from personal experience that those led to getting drunk on questionable alcohol, and having sex with strange women to reaffirm nonexistent heterosexuality. Yixing did not trust Kris to discreetly have sex with women like he had. No. If Kris did have sex with a woman, it would probably end up on national television and Luhan would kill Yixing and sacrifice him to whatever heathen god he prayed to.

         “Listen. I am already regretting letting you in here. So, let’s try to solve this in 30 minutes or less, because I am really not in the mood for this shit. Okay, so facts. Chanyeol kissed you. You ran way. Why?”

         “I’m not gay. I like girls.”

         “Congratulations. I hope you realize that there are other sexualities out there like bisexuality, pansexuality, and all the other fun things.”

         “What are you saying?”

         Yixing sighed. How did he ever think this kid was worth the hassle? Oh, right. Chanyeol wasn’t part of the equation. “It means that you Kris Wu, might be sexuality fluid, bisexual, pansexual, or if you want to go the heteronormative bisexuality denying way ‘you don’t want to put a label on it’. I still don’t understand why you’re here.”

         “Do you think Chanyeol will still want me?”

         “Listen, that idiot’s been in love with you for years. If he stuck with you through that many years of stupidity and general idol bullshit, I’m sure he will forgive you for having a gay freak out. I think he had one too. Now. Get the fuck out of my apartment.”

         Kris hastily made his exit, impatient to return to Chanyeol.

**Lesson #6 Remember that even if things get complicated life has a way of working out**

         Chanyeol woke up to the smell of eggs frying. He thought he was still dreaming because Baekhyun didn’t cook breakfast, but the smell was persistent, so he woke up and went to the kitchen, and what he saw there didn't help at all in convincing him that he wasn’t dreaming.

         “Y-y-y-Yifan?”

         Kris turned to Chanyeol. “Oh. You’re awake. Wait a moment. Breakfast will be ready soon. Baekhyun said to tell you good morning.”

He didn’t mention the other part of Baekhyun’s message which consisted of “if you hurt him, I will find you, I will break your kneecaps, fingers, and ribs, peel the skin off your body as you breathe and then I will slit your throat and watch you choke on your blood, and then I will cut you up into fish bite size bits and drop you at the bottom of the Han river to either become sediment or fish food.” which was probably for the better. What Chanyeol didn’t know couldn’t hurt him that bad. Probably. Hopefully.

         Kris sets down a plate in front of Chanyeol. “Ok. I should probably explain what’s going on.”

         “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Chanyeol mumbles. He was not ready for Yifan’s rejection.

         “So last night when you kissed me, I may have had a minor freak out”

         Chanyeol snorted. ‘Minor,’ he thought ‘yeah right.’

         “Okay,” Kris concedes, “maybe it wasn’t minor. Maybe it was, according to Yixing, a big gay freak out. But that’s over now. I am a changed man. I am ready to face myself and see what I have become. The reason I ran way was because I was scared. I-- you’re my best friend, Chanyeol. The person I’m closest to. So, when you kissed me, and I shoved my tongue down your throat, it came as a surprise to me, because I was not gay, but I realized that it was okay; because I am not gay. There are other sexualities besides gay and straight. So, Park Chanyeol, what I am saying is that I like like you. And I want to have a real relationship with you.”

**4 Months Later**

“Okay,” Luhan announces “it’s been 6 months you guys can have an amicable breakup now.”

“Um. About that,” Kris hedges “we don’t want to.”

Luhan narrows his eyes. “And why the hell not?”

“Because Chanyeol and I have been dating for real for 4 months already.”

“What the fuck! I am not running a dating service, Kris Wu!”

**PLAYLIST**

Don’t stop me now **Queen**

For your entertainment **Adam Lambert**

Same Love **Macklemore**

Too Close **Alex Clare**

Accidentally in love **Counting Crows**

We found love **Rihanna**

A sky full of stars **Coldplay**

Till the love runs out **Onerepublic**

**Timelines are an illusion and a complete joke.** **¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

 


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